Operator. 999 what's your emergency?
Man. A guy just hit by a car, I need an ambulance
Operator. What's your location?
Man. I am on Eucalyptus Street
Operator. Can you spell that for me please?
Man. Long awakward pause
Operator. Sir, are you still there?
Man. I am gonna drag him over to Pine Street and call right back
"I cried for decades about the hardships I was going through and not one servant would listen"
- Prince Harry.
One of the oddities of the sharemarket is that it is the dealer and not the customer who is called Broker
Trying to avoid introducing any new taxes for 2023...the Labour party settled on a new simplified income tax form with 4 steps.
1. What was your income for the year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much have you left?
4. Send it in.
A Technical Analyst and a Fundamental Analyst are chatting about the markets in the kitchen. Accidentally one of them knocks a kitchen knife off the table landing right in the fundamental analyst's foot! The fundamental analyst yells at the technician, asking him why he didn't catch the knife? "You know Technicians don't catch falling knives!" , the technician responded. He in turn asks the fundamental analyst why he didn't move his foot out of the way? The Fundamental analyst responds, " I didn't think it could go that low".
Todays Stockmarket report.
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.
The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.
The financial adviser calls his client and says, "I have bad news and I have worse news. Which would you like to hear first?"
"The bad news," the client says.
"All of your money will be gone in 24 hours."
"What's the worse news?"
"I was supposed to call you yesterday."
Quote from: Perky on Jan 12, 2023, 01:06 PMTrying to avoid introducing any new taxes for 2023...the Labour party settled on a new simplified income tax form with 4 steps.
1. What was your income for the year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much have you left?
4. Send it in.
Unless you are a property investor, then its
1 What was your rental income?
2. Please send us 30% of that income
3. What were your expenses?
4. Just kidding about #3, we don't care what your expenses were
I've started investing in stocks...first chicken, then beef and now vegetable.
I know it's risky but I know one day it will pay off and I will be a Bouillonaire.
A client asks his adviser, "where should I invest my money?"
"Put it on booze," the adviser says. "Where else you gonna get 40%?"
This year's Edinburgh Fest kicks off in just over a week. (https://www.timeout.com/edinburgh/edinburgh-fringe-best-jokes)
My friend asked me the other day what is the difference between ignorant and apathy.
I said I don't know and I don't care!
https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2023/aug/14/need-a-good-laugh-the-10-best-jokes-from-the-edinburgh-festival-2023 (https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2023/aug/14/need-a-good-laugh-the-10-best-jokes-from-the-edinburgh-festival-2023)
Some light humour from the King of one liners, Gary Delaney:
More one liner light humour, this time from Stewart Francis.
A dozen years old, but still as valid- today, if not more so... (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZiJa9diJOMk)
Anniversary of Black Monday (https://businessdesk.co.nz/article/opinion/have-we-learnt-nothing-from-black-monday) next week.
Funny Kiwi comedian Javier doing gigs overseas. Here is one of his gags:
where did political satire go in NZ... did it die?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIedNhGqWF0
An oldie but a goodie....Wilson Dixon performing at the NZ Comedy Gala in 2009. I can't find a better video sorry.
Another oldie but goodie where Eddie Izzard does part of his routine in French. Even if you don't know French, you will still understand the jokes:
Spoke to my Son last night about him treating the house like a hotel.
I thought it went ok, but he's now put a crap review on trip advisor.
I saw this clip tonight and thought I would share it.
If you like this comedian, here is another one of his which is a bit longer:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ED5RX-fou34
An Aussie and a Kiwi go to a bakery.
The Kiwi steals three buns and, puts them into his pockets and, leaves. He says to the Aussie: "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
"That's just simple thievery," the Aussie replied. "I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Aussie then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and said, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Aussie asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner said, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?"
The Aussie then said: "Look in the Kiwi's pockets."
Sometimes the simplest jokes are the funniest ;D
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy.
He's a web designer.